Word of the Day – Fester – ‘For Your Consideration’

So today’s word of the day is fester, to undergo or exist in a state of progressive deterioration or putrefy/ rot. I had a little fun with this – mainly because for me it’s in the very early morning hours, and I’m still awake though I have work later today. I’m just sleepless, so I’ve taken the opportunity to type up and edit some pieces that I’ve had lying around.

 

‘For Your Consideration’

Consider this: I’m tired.
Don’t worry, I’m always tired-
Which doesn’t leave much for you to consider,
So consider this: I’m tired and for a good reason.

It’s not the lazy sort of tired,
The ‘I have energy to live and work,
But I’d rather play video games today’ sort
Or the ‘I drank cold brew coffee at 2 am again’ kind.

I’m tired and I don’t know what to do.
I haven’t done anything to be tired, really,
I swear, I woke up not an hour or two ago, yet
It seems to have been a very long few hours, I feel.

None of this new, no worries, truly,
I’ve gotten use to festering in a mild amount of despair,
Waking up every day tired. There’s nothing to really consider.
I just wanted to see if there was someone out there.

 

Oh! The ebook of Moth-Like. is officially on Amazon as of.. Wednesday? I think was when it was accepted. You can find it here. It did end up being a little more expensive than planed. It’s $6.48. Weird price (as in not rounded up or ending in .99), I just like all those numbers and it ended up being… a bit thicker in page numbers than expected. I was aiming for 60-80, it came out to a little over 100. In a week or two I’m planning on having the paperback up. It’s taking longer than expected because formatting is.. fun. Also, I have to order proofs to make sure it doesn’t come out janky. I’m probably going to be adding links to it at the end of my posts so that I promote it, but not in an obnoxious way. I don’t want people to be bombarded by it, so I’m putting it somewhere that’s easy to scroll past or ignore. I might make a post about it and any upcoming books and keep that in an about me area (which I haven’t done yet…. whoops), but that’s in the future.

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Word of the Day – Gauche – ‘Teach Me’

The word of the day poem today was actually yesterday’s – July 21st’s – but due to heat exhaustion from work I went straight to bed when I got home. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow I’m working 12-15 hour shifts depending on how the day progresses. The downside is I’m outside working in a heat index of 108 and high humidity. I was able to write this in some down time in the early hours, but the rest of the day just about killed me.

Yesterday’s word of the day was Gauchelacking social experience or grace or not tactful. This piece still feels a little rough so I’ll probably make some changes. Maybe.

 

“Teach Me”

Tell how gauche I am-
Awkward, I’m so terribly awkward
And nobody quite understands or cares
So teach me, please, your proper socialization.

I’m intelligent, you’ve told me
But that won’t make a quick buck.
I need to learn how to beg,
And know when to shut up.

So teach me how to smile more,
And teach me how to beg for money.
Ask for the rich’s little change while maintaining
A proper polite, pleasant, caring poor facade.

Why can’t I just drink and chat,
A cocktail party isn’t the place to get
A little playfully anti-capitalist.
Let’s talk about the weather-

Or school, but nothing really,
Nothing remotely close to getting deep.
I’m here to be the pretty face,
Nod, smile, settle into a better place.

I’m a gauche sort of person, I know,
I look good enough, but lack all the tack-
So you’ve told me time and time again.
So now tell me, what do you have to teach?

After tomorrow I get three days off. Moth-Like. is coming along nicely, but the last two days I haven’t able to make any progress due to work. After I get some rest I’m going to be focusing on completely it.

Word of the Day – Crucible – ‘Slam Your Door’

Today’s word of the day is crucible, or a sever test. I had a little trouble naming this one, I considered naming it ‘Test of Time and Love’ but it didn’t feel quite right… I might write a poem with that title, but I feel like it would be a little lighter or maybe upbeat.

 

‘Slam Your Door’

I thought it was all a test
Of love, they said give it patience
And more love, I tried, but
I failed.

It was good, while it was good.
You loved words
I loved words.
We talked often enough, but
You think we would’ve talked more,
Enough to avoid this.
There should have been more songs
We could sing happily together.

But in time,
Very little time,
Just a matter of time,
Every doubt I voiced became your anger,
Every disappoint I placed turned into
Another slammed door left behind,
Left in your withering wake.

The house is breaking,
I thought it was all a test of love,
And patience. Everyone said to give it time,
So I gave all my time to waiting and worrying.
I pleaded in silence while you screamed in defiance.
This house, our home now house,
Is breaking apart around us,
The dishes are shaking from the the counters,
To the sink, on to the floor.

You refuse to meet my eyes or speak,
Declared, at some point,
We won’t talk if I can’t be civil.
I’ve become immoral because my love is weak.
Once, I spoke words in doubt towards your actions,
Shameful, I am so shameful you asserted-
Why can’t I ever simple trust
That you know what is for the best of us.

I thought it was suppose to be a test-
But I can’t give it anymore time
Or anymore of my patience and love.
You think we’d love enough to not fight
About the worthiness of my words.
I agree I am weak, forgive me, so please,
Slam your doors, Baby, this house isn’t mine.
Slam your doors, you can now brake
The house completely this time.
Just add what’s left of the dishes
To the floor.

 

Book Update below:

Moth-Like. (the book I’m publishing) is coming along nicely. The eBook format is almost complete and should appear on Amazon sometime next week for about $4, maybe a few cents more. The physical edition of the book might take a little longer as I have to reformat it and then order a few test prints to make sure it looks right. I’m shooting for early August and it’ll be about $6 to $8. There will be no difference between the digital and physical editions other than the typography – having flexible text is really important in eBooks, which limits a lot of what I can do.

Word of the Day – Edacious – “Feed Us”

Back on track! Today’s word of the day is edacious, an adjective meaning to have a huge appetite, or being excessively eager.

“Feed Us”

I am called ravenous,
Lazy, but utterly ravenous.
Nothing fills me, I am deep
Without depth, simple little pleasures
Become simple little snacks, meaninglessness
Fills me briefly before I must feed again.

I am of the generation of ravenous youth,
Eager to excess to feel the flesh
Of peace, simple and filling traditional peace
Between our teeth. When did it not become enough?
I have heard other, older men, say, when did
Settling down with a family, a single lifetime job,
And benefits not become enough?

They do not feed us. They will not feed us,
And so we’ve turned to consuming, by not
Consuming everything once held as ideal and free.
Consuming a country that was originally mixed with liberty-
When was the recipe changed, why was that recipe changed.
I’ve not money to eat with and so I began
To eat money, they say, they say we eat the stability
That our country has fought for. All the stolen oil
And racism were just simple ingredients that are too
Bitter to taste alone, but add flavor. Pointless pain
Is just flavor for those people who have more refined tastes.

I am tired, my generation is tired,
Of the same meal. Two jobs with minimum pay
For the cheapest apartment, a dozen degrees
With no future meaning behind them except years of
Souring debt. It is not filling, and we have become
Ravenous, edacious even for the peace our parents
And grandparents were blessed to feel and be filled by.
Mother always said it’d be best for me to eat my greens,
But says, oh she says when she screams, this isn’t what she means.

There is nothing else to eat, we are beyond hungry
And will not stand to be staved. I want to feel
The bones and flesh of the system which wants to brake
Us:my friends, my strangers, and myself. I want to feel
It snap and tear under my crooked little teeth.

Not So Quick Update, but an Update

Moth-Like Cover

 

First of all, I’m sorry. Things just got a little crazy this month. To make a long story short – I’ve gotta get ready to move across the country. Of course, not immediately, but sooner than I’d expect too. I’ve got roughly eight months to save up for the jump. That seems like a long time, but it’ll pass quickly. The problem naturally is money, because moving isn’t cheap. It cost me around $300 two years ago to move across town to where I am now – and that’s not counting the $2000 I put down for the new apartment.

So I’m saving money, or trying too. It’s tricky saving money with minimum wage, half the time I don’t have enough for food, but luckily my work provides me with free food on break. So it’s not completely terrible. I’m due for a raise, but it won’t be much, maybe not even a dollar. Regardless, I’m having some issues with my current living situation.

Though work is going well, well enough for me to be promoted at the very least, the company I work for has little prudence. To expand upon that, they are digging themselves a hole. Despite many of my workers and my comments about how certain practices are damaging sales and customer retention, our company refuses to change its practices. In the last year we’ve lost thousands of dollars because our branch boss is trying, ironically, to save money. It is only a matter of time before the University cancels our contract and we get laid off. I wish that wasn’t the case, but it really is – two other branches in our state have already lost contract for similar behaviors and our University just got a new President who has begun voicing some complaints. I live in a city, but employment is currently every hard to find. Even with seven years experience in a trained field I could not find work for months. I would rather not have that happen again.

So the kicker is I’m going to publish a few of my books much sooner than expected – I’ve always wanted to publish, so it’s not a complete surprise, but have been worried about my writing not being polished enough. As things are, I have nothing to lose in diving in early. It won’t make a lot, trust me, I know. But this move is important to me, and even if I make $2 that’s more in the savings account then I would’ve had without.

As of this minute, I am almost done with my first collection Moth-Like.. The cover of Moth-Like. is the picture above (or at least the idea for the cover, I haven’t gotten everything %100 set in stone just yet). Right now I’m formatting the eBook and getting the typography set. The manuscript is complete. All the poems and their order is set and ready, I’m just making it legible now. If you’ve been reading and following some of the poems I’ve posted these last… 3ish months a few of them will be appearing in Moth-Like.. Right now there are 62 poems in the collection, roughly half of those have appeared on social media, but not all of them here.

In fact, I never got around to transferring over the second year of Divine Poetry. I know there are some from the first year, but I don’t think they have any views? I posted them to appear in chronological order by their original post date, but that was before I had any followers – so if anyone wants to kill some time I’ve got about 20+ poems hidden in the archives.

Continuing on, Moth-Like. is the first of three collections. I have written 500+ poems since 2012, but my early poems need a lot of editing, and the next two collections draw heavily from those early poems because of their themes. As I would like my readers to have an enjoyable experience and not make them sit through years of cringe worthy work, I’m going to be taking a bit more time getting those out. I also plan to be writing and posting poems here which might slow me down some.

Hopefully, by the end of this month Moth-Like. will be on Amazon, for better or worse. It’s maybe going to be $6-8. I’d like to keep it cheap, but my favorite numbers are 4,6, 8 – so the kindle version is defiantly going to be $4 or less. Moth-Like. will be covering a lot of my more depressing and darker pieces, the quiet ones that is, as the collection is about healing from suicide and dealing with day to day depression. It will be broken into three sections: Cold Night, Lonely, and Bonfire. To give you guys an idea, “Bad Luck” and “Dreaming of Silence” will be in Cold Night. “Flaunting Trauma” and “Cold Lemonade” will be in Lonely. “The Artist I Know” and “What They Need” will be in Bonfire. The end of the collection, Bonfire, will be a slightly more uplifting section – so the entire thing won’t be a complete downer.

The second collection will be, oddly enough, love and romance themed – but not in the traditional sense, I suppose. “Falsely Beat“, “Sunsplit Busted Lip“, “All the Little Hurts“, and “Self-Love” will be in this collection. It is equally about the lack of romance and healthy forms of love as it is about development and finding of them. The title and sections are still to be decided, but I am leaning towards something flowery, like roses. It may be that each section is named by a genius of rose. That’s all I’ve got for now.

Thank you for reading all this. I hate that I promised to post only to back out and then drop all this out of no where. I’m excited, but also tired. I hope that this makes up for it, even if just a little. I want to give everyone something beautiful, though I admit, I have a strange sense of that word.

Just a Quick Update

I’m sorry – I planned to post at least once a day, but due to some unexpected problems I rarely have the time and quiet to sit down. Hopefully things calm down and I can have a little time to sit back and play around with words.

I know it might sound vague, I just don’t generally talk about life directly for better or worse. Things aren’t terrible, just… uncomfortable. It’s just bit of a hiccup.

Word of the Day – Inalienable – ‘Confession’

Today’s word of the day was inalienable, meaning incapable of being alienated, surrendered, or transferred. It took me so long to write this. I didn’t want to get political or sad, so I tried to make something beautiful, unfortuantely I feel it’s lacking… a lot. Maybe I’ll rewrite it when I’m not so tired and unfocused.

‘Confession’

We will never be wholly apart
Except in those rare darkening of the heart
Where we tend to feel so intolerable alone,
But watch now as the sky comes together
Before your eyes, the birds perched separate
Now sing together as the earth remembers to turn.
The sun, for us, dips and drops downward,
Down and into the next town a thousand miles away
Where it peaks to give another person who lives
A world apart and yet right beside you another day.

We may never meet
And yet, I remember in my insignificance
All my wasted words, pointless laughter-
Pain experienced alone, but shown in ink.
It stains, we stain, the universes and worlds
We’ll never see but briefly in another human.
I’ll confess. I am inspired by someone who thought
They were nothing important, and still do
Because I could never raise my heart to speak
And close the distance I thought was there.

Word of the Day – Construe – ‘Not True’

Sorry for the late post, it was a very busy day yesterday and by the time I got back to my family’s house I was dead tired. Yesterday’s word of the day was construe, a verb which means  to interpret (a word or action) in a particular way.

‘Not True’

There are no real answers
To all of this that I see and feel.
What is it to be living happily
Other than this knowing
And understanding that i built
My reality, that everything I do is wrong
In someone’s, not always mine, eyes.
I only have to apologize to myself
For every doubt thrown towards my worth.
I accept my failures by the grace of every star
Reflected in the eyes of another living being.
I will always be able to change, to transform,
And I will never be enough for anybody except me.

Word of the Day – Parataxis – ‘Going Home’

To be honest, I didn’t know there was a word for this, and yet it’s one of my favorite things to do. Today’s word of the day is Parataxis, which is the placing of clauses or phrases one after another, without words to indicate coordination or subordination, as in “Tell me, how are you?”

‘Going Home’

It is time I go home
Where everything is tainted
With a yellow film of age,
With memories half forgotten,
With dreams half left to rot,
With a bitter taste of disappointment.

It is time I go home,
A home which was never quite home.
I was born in the hospital here
With a frail heart, frail mother,
Frail luck betting on a hopeful simplicity
That I was never warned to withhold
For the sake of keeping my dreams in place.

My home. I always make it home just in time
To watch another thing return to something
I never dreamed it had ever been. Empty,
Empty all the roads, empty the stores,
Empty the eyes of the people who don’t recognize
Me, a child who grew up here too with them.
Me, a child who grew up and chose to leave them.

So now I sit here, home again, I listen
As another unexpected storm sweeps in
After I spent the day with my grandparents
Driving around our little, yellow tainted town
Looking at for all the things that disappeared,
Watching as what takes their places begins to
Age, rot, slow down, rust with the passing
Of each second, day, month, year, person, dream.

Word of the Day – Extramental – ‘Beyond Me’

So I looked at Merriam-Webster’s word of the day was Sericeous, which means ‘covered with fine silky hair’ and I honestly couldn’t think of anything. So instead I download a word of the day app on my phone and got Extramental, ‘which means existing outside the mind’ – something I could work with easily. I’ll probably be jumping back and forth between the two applications/sites so I have an option. Who knows, maybe some days I’ll use both. These words are to inspire, of course, I don’t have to use them, per say, in the poem. They just have to reference or define the word in a more creative way.

Enough with that. Today’s word was Extramental, and I have a story to tell.

‘Beyond Me’

I tried, as we all try
At somepoint at the very least
To control everything perfectly
Beyond me.

What I eat. When I eat.
The time I wake up
The time I sleep.
All simple, simple
Controllable things.

But if, say, my neighbor
Who lives two stories above me
Were somehow to not hear,
Were somehow not home to hear,
Were somehow incapable of caring to hear
Their little red sports car
Start screaming at 2am and continue
It’s naturally mindless rage
For a solid hour and a half,
Well.
I must accept that the reason ‘why’
And ‘how’ are beyond me,
Beyond my understanding-
And though murder might not be,
It is considered highly impolite.