Whoops! Looks like I spoke to soon last time I posted. Got hit working a tournament at work – work day changed to 7am until closing at around 12am. Only had to do it two days though, and yesterday I got off early – but then I fell asleep until just a few hours ago. Anyway, the twenty first Shadow of May question asked: How do I show hate?
My stepmother told me many things
About myself and my future, the ruin
I would be, and my father quietly watched
As I became less than his child, less human.
Just like my mother, I am just like my mother
She’d say, the woman who did such terrible things
The judge eventually broke down and gave me to my father.
Tired, I was so tired of living with all those expectations.
That was forever ago, and now I know that no one
Can hurt me like that again, I now bask in a soft hate
By telling them how well I am doing, I’m alive and I shun
Them often in this leisure life, but they find a poisoned bait-
And, Oh, How in their own hate they love to bite,
But now, how I have come to live out of pure spite.
I can’t regret it, no, I cannot regret my will to live-
I show my hate in gentle little moments I’m willing to give.
Look at this! Not late! Crazy right? I don’t know how it happened but I got it out on time – impressive since I worked all day today and didn’t get home until 10pm! Today’s Shadow of May question asked: What provokes me to anger? Why?. A very loaded question – I try not to get angry often, but when I do I am a thing possessed. Today’s piece took an interesting turn…
‘All My Worthless Anger’
I’ve been angry the day I found out
My dreams had been sold to me taxed twice
At inflated prices and interest drawn high-
Pay while you’re young enough to take a loan
And you’ll pay the price every hour you live.
I’ve been pointlessly angry at the future,
Unable to commit myself to anything, because
Because, I believe I was sold a future that failed-
I bought it under the promise, the idea, the dream
That it would get better in time, things would be fixed,
Things could be fixed.. Band-aids on the bullet holes
This terrible world is being riddled with day after day.
My worthless anger is half anxiety and half grief,
Stirred twice, poured out, mixed again and again
Until it’s more inedible than it was to begin with.
How dare I ever think I could afford to dream?
I am to blame, they taught me at fifteen, I should’ve
Know to invest in something less real and more obscene.
What is decent living, a decent life lived at minimum wage-
The world, where I stand, no longer carries such futile things.
Today’s Shadow of May question was: How can I embrace death? – but today, instead of writing a new piece after drawing my cards, I drew my cards and was reminded of two older pieces that I’d written last year around September, but had never posted or shared. ‘Death’ answers the question though – and I can’t think of any other way to word the answer I got. I’m including ‘Life’ with death, because… well… I wrote them together and I’d like to keep them together though they can stand alone.
I asked for a bottle
Of straight black rum
And it brought me a cup
Of hot, gently sweetened tea,
Sat down beside me
And said, “Honey,
I asked for a cup
Of hot tea to calm my nerves,
And was brought a bottle
Of straight black rum.
While it stood above me
It offered, “Cheers,
And good luck”
I keep doing these in batches of two – I don’t plan to, it just happens. Work and all is keeping me weird. Day eighteen of Shadow of May asked: What has been conditioned in me about death?
‘You Can Live’
You can live but you’ve gotta lay down and die
At some point, preferably around the end of your life-
You gotta earn it though, fight tooth, nail, and red-eyed
To try to escape death, maybe fight it physically with a knife.
We’ve learned to be helpless and be angry that we’re helpless.
Nothing will stop death from coming, nothing can, nothing did-
Not the money,or the healthy food, or the cardio never missed.
Everyone made their bets against Death but forgot to set the bid.
Eventually, we all do it. It’s natural and it’s sick.
We’ll become sick, all in time, and we’ll find the time
To stop fighting for a life we forgot to live, be quick-
It’ll be gone, a reason to live buried under all the grime,
All the grime you were taught, I was taught, about dying.
Death as the ultimate witness to every secret, sin, and second wasted
Trying to find away to prevent it, trying to find some way of implying
That dying is the Death, an ultimate end – all life is spent constantly chased.
Just found out I’m missing this years Divine Poetry challenge, damn. I love that challenge.. But the month is over half way gone, there’s little chance I’d catch up. Anyway, today’s Shadow of May question is: How do I feel about death? (True story btw).
‘Living for the Littlest Things’
One time I dreamed that I died-
A heart attack while I slept,
It was unsurprising, it’d happen
Eventually, I’d always been sure.
My heart is the weakest thing about me.
I remember half-consciously worrying
As pain spiked in my chest, body numbing,
I slowed unspeakably down, I slowed so deeply
A blink was five minutes long, but I worried
Only for the handmade book I promised my sister.
I promised her a book for her birthday;
It was already almost three months late
And only half finished – I was so ashamed
That I was letting her down, I’d promised
Two-hundred fifty pages, front to cover.
It was only for her eyes! All the poems I’d refused
To share, all the little bits of life I didn’t ever want
To live or forget, the little sorrows and the little dreams.
All I dreamed of was lying in bed, thinking, while my heart stopped,
How much she’d hate me for leaving her a half-finished book.
I did this Shadow of May on time – I just couldn’t get anything I wrote to flow right. I still think it’s too awkward and not quite clear – which is driving me crazy. The question was: How does others’ pain affect me? My answer was a complicated one. I want to help – but I get hostile at their pains source. I don’t think that’s clearly established in this piece. It needs a lot of work.
I am vindictive with my all that I love,
There is no puppy-sickness to speak of.
I am quiet, the people I can for are few,
To say I am heartless is both true and untrue.
I care for the pain of humanity as a whole-
And I care for those few I love deeply in my soul.
I want to help, to a certain extent, all that is hurt,
Excluding, of course, all those that caused such hurt.
You see, I am vindictive with all that I love,
Because I hate equally for all that consists of-
Other’s pain hurts me when it’s never what they deserve,
I can’t care for all that the silent majority tries to preserve.
Here is yesterday’s Shadow of May! I’m still a little sick – but I’m going to try and keep on top of these. I at least want to get through all 31! Even if I’m a bit behind in some areas – the challenge asks some very interesting questions… Yesterday’s question was: How do I perceive pain?
‘All the Little Hurts’
I’ve grown to hate the question,
“Who hurt you?” as if all the little hurts,
Many little hurts, many little things
That make a person over time can be pointed
To some single person to blame it all on.
Pain has become a natural part of my life,
It’s all the little lost hopes, the forgotten dreams-
All which hurt and have made me who I am today.
It has never been just a single person,
Someone tangible that I can be protected from.
I love how it’s never been that simple-
I would never have got here if it was.
I’m either getting sick or I have allergies – neither are fun. Day fourteen of Shadow of May asked: What do I minimize about myself? What do I flaunt?
Here you guys go-
I don’t care much for being human,
Most my days are, in fact, spent in confusion
Trying to figure out how the hell I’m still alive-
Despite it all, despite everything, here I thrive?
I’ve had a very unlucky past, it’s true,
I’ve developed a sick pride for what I went through.
Clear headed, I was so terribly clear headed
And aware of the life I once lived and dreaded-
I dreaded all of it, and I’d like to erase some
Of the memories that are too soft, cute, and numb.
Minimize the conflicting emotions, all that commotion-
I’ve learned to live, finally, via some sort of logical devotion.
Today’s Shadow of May question was: Where do I gain my confidence? I pulled a surprising answer considering my answers about loneliness – but it isn’t wrong. I’m just weird.
Tell me, share me,
And let me share in turn.
I will become confident
In anyone’s care, if they care
Just enough to tell me
If we’re friends.
This month is just crazy – I worked Friday from 9am to 1pm, but now I get the next four days off… in theory. Friday’s Shadow of May question was: How do I deal with criticism?
‘Speak of Me’
And ever so quickly
I will bend like a willow tree
To hide how weak and brittle
Like the oak I truly am. Oh, me-
I will with words begin to whittle
Down myself. You won’t recognize
The person I’ve become by my eyes.