NaNoWriMo – ‘Two Steps Backwards’

I’m so sorry, I skipped another day. I’ve been getting migraines off and on these last few months and it’s been very exhausting. Today’s wasn’t so bad, and after work and a quick nap I was able to write quite a bit. I’m still very behind on my word count, but at this point I don’t mind. I just want to finish all the fragments of poems I’ve got sitting around before it’s 2018.
Anyway, onward today’s poem. I know I said I was going to try to pull out some more upbeat stuff, but well, that’s easier said than done. I hope you all enjoy this one regardless!

 

‘Two Steps Backwards’

I know all too well who I am,
What I look like, how I dress,
My favorite foods, my limitlessness-
That I’ve limited in the name of names.

I’ve got it all down to a schedule,
A time and place I’ve got to be
To be me – what I need to do to meet
My quota to be self-knowing.

Shy, Angry, and fundamentally Organized –
I am driven to not look people in the eyes
Not even myself in the bathroom mirror-
Let the steam fog up so I don’t have to see.

Discordant. Disturbed. Dissociated.
I need to put it in place, any place
Inside of me where it can’t be seen.
I know all too well who I am.

I know also who and what I want to be,
And in the act of self-care I decided
To ignore self-love and chose instead to love
The limited limitlessness I’ve created for me.

 

If you like my writing please check out my book Moth-Like. It can be bought on Amazon here;.

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Daily Card Pull – 10 of Wands – ‘Keeping On’

Today’s card was the 10 of Wands, a card representing responsibility, accomplishment, and also burdens. Funny enough, I actually worked myself sick at my morning job and ended up missing my night job.

 

‘Keeping On’

I’ve got to keep on keeping on
In this long lasting, never ending summer heat.
I’m just trying to keep on keeping on
Determined to keep standing my own two feet.

I’ve got hours to go, work to do, more work to do,
Money to compete for, money to save, money to lose.
I’ve numb arms, numb hands, head fog, the blues-
It’s just another day and I’ve got to keep on,
Keep on going, going, going because I’ve got
Everything and nothing left to lose.
Sweet ambition and sweet addition-
I want to keep on keeping on doing
What they tell me I gotta do to succeed.

 

 

 

If  you like my writing please check out my book Moth-Like. It can be bought on Amazon here.

Daily Card Pull – 7 of Wands, reversed – ‘Wordless’

I’m back! Kinda. I got caught up with life – been working two full time jobs back to back. Next Monday, October 9th, should be the last day at my old job. I’m super excited to have free time again.

I wasn’t sure what to do for this month, but I miss writing. I figured I’d post poems that are based on what tarot card I pull for the day. Today’s was the 7 of Wands in the reverse position. It’s a card about feeling overwhelmed, with your confidence destroyed, and ready  to give up – a great way to start this month (three days late).

‘Wordless’

I’ve got that boredom that curiosity breeds.
Tired of all this thinking and sitting emptily
Day in and day out, depressed because I wonder-
But I don’t wonder enough to do anything with it.

So I sit here. I’m at work, but I’m not at work.
I go home to work some more on scraps of somethings.
I work all day, but I don’t work at all. I can’t quite focus
With my mind being blank and heavy, all these paralyzed thoughts.

I’m curious and also dreadful of everything like
How come it feels I’m sleeping too much and too little
At the same time, every day a contradiction and exhausting.
I read a book for some two-three sentences,

And pause for two days to think about other things-
Little things, like, how does one pronounce
‘Depression’ without opening their mouth the slightest,
Or if you can communicate to someone the impact
They had in mindlessly existing with you in some single moment.

All of this, can I say all of this without, somehow,
Actually having to interact with them outside all those
Empty and make-believe conversations in my head?
I’m merely bored and curious of time and the way it seems
To take months for me to feel like I’ve lived a day.

 

 

 If  you like my writing please check out my book Moth-Like. It can be bought on Amazon here.

 

Word of the Day – Diminution – ‘Slipping Away’

Good evening/morning! Today’s word of the day is diminutionthe act, process, or an instance of becoming gradually less (as in size or importance). I’ve been writing on and off these last few days, but haven’t gotten anything worth sharing really. I realize it’s been a few days since I’ve posted so I’m going to go ahead and post this. I feel some parts aren’t as polished and clear as I’d like.

 

‘Slipping Away’

I’m getting that feeling you get
When you begin slipping away
To a place that’s not real, to nonexistence.
I doubt anyone would notice my far off gaze
A smile covers up most things these days
That might seem worrisome in my eyes.

It’s a day, it’s just another day
And I can’t feel my hands or arms, yet
I know I’m gripping onto everything I can.
My hands are flexing and I have pressed my nails
Into my palms leaving all these little dents.
I’m loosing it, regardless, I’m losing it all again.

I’ve got scares like a lovers words
Casually whispered into my thighs and sides.
Gentle, I was never so gentle as to try to love
This body or mind of mine, and it’s begun fraying.
My whole world is fraying, slowly becoming undone,
Starting with these hands and arms – I feel nothing.

I doubt anyone would notice, this slow diminution,
Look away, look away, walk on by after you say ‘hey.’
I want to look strong when I am weak, broken by
This attempt to exist seamlessly. – Tell me, I’m feeling
Something, but, am I still here enough to see or feel?
Can you, Can anybody catch me when I slip away for good?

 

On a brighter note, Moth-Like. is officially published in both eBook and paper book form on amazon. If you want to look at it click here for the eBook, and here for the paperback. The eBook price is now set as $5.99, the physical price is $8.99. I’m pretty proud of the job I did with the typography! It took awhile to figure out, but I managed it. I was given a bit of trouble with the cover of the paperback and I might change it… for some reason covercreate on KDP is being frisky and won’t up the resolution on text.

Shadow of May – Day Twenty-Five – ‘A Light Haunting’

Many apologies – I have been ill the past few days. Still going too, but at least I’m a little livelier than before. There’s probably going to be a number of mistakes and typos, but I can check those out later. The twenty-fifth Shadow of May question was: What three things do I most value?

‘A Light Haunting’

My house feels haunted, is haunted
By me. The soft whispering of my feet are
Still just as uncertain despite the two years
They’ve brushed against the concrete floors
That have supported my slippery shadow as I ghost
Between the front door, kitchen, bathroom,
My room – a path of half-existence taken daily.

Sometimes I see the sunlight drifting
Between the semi-closed blinds by the couch,
And sometimes there is food in the fridge
Waiting for when I remember that I’m alive again-
For no mater how tranquil I feel in my incompleteness
There is an existence outside of work, books, and sleep,
Which might require basic actions of me.

It’s a calm sort of crazy, sort of madness,
Haunting myself, that is, being there and yet gone.
For eighteen years I was trained to be quiet and light
On my toes, so much so that I learned to drift from room
To room. My mother began hanging up mirrors just
So she could catch me every now and then, but years later
I forgot how to stop and, I don’t know if I can – or want to.

NaPoWriMo – Day Sixteen – ‘Letter to Love’

Today’s prompt was to write a letter. This feels unfinished to me – maybe I missing a stanza, but I don’t want it to be too lengthy. On the bright side, this is only the second time this month I’ve posted late! I must apologize – I’ve been sick.

‘Letter to Love’

My Love, we all do terrible things
To ease own troubled minds-
A little nick here and there, maybe
A breath of harsh, but fresh air,
A little something less to temper life.

Darling, it’s all personal, all collateral,
I can love another all day, but at night,
Come night, I cannot bare to love myself.
Sometimes you must, you just redirect the pain
From one area to another, emotional to physical.

My Sweetness, my only Sweetness to sweeten
The scares and scars I get when I feel I not quite
Here. Disjointed, Unreal, Unready, I feel-
And I do not feel, so I learned how to do terrible things
To ease, to temper, to try my troubled mind.

My Dear, forgive me for all I dare to ask –
I do not know most days who I am or what I am called.
Please, give me a name, give me something to call
What it is that this body does, has become,
Let me answer to something I can grow to love.