It’s been a day. A very, very chaotic day – neither good nor bad, just.. busy. Today’s card of the day was the 4 of Cups, a card warning against apathy, disconnectedness, and contemplating too much on things – an accurate warning for me today.
Busted knuckles match the pink and red
Flowers floating on the china of my cup-
A nice honeyed cup of lavender and Earl Grey
For when my days become a little too fucked up.
It’s a nice cup, solid but never stays hot enough.
I always forget it to the point of near cold, lukewarm,
With a bitter aftertaste because I left the leaves in to burn,
Again, I left the to burn while I lost myself in another brainstorm.
Look at this cup, arching handle to meet my hand,
Blushes of flowers, stems, and leaves – a life of peace.
I’m going to make it empty, look at me as I make it empty.
Heartbeat to heartbreak, swallowing to smothering.
Watch the time lapse between the tea cooling and souring and me
Sitting apathetic to what’s inside or out, far-eyed and wondering.
If you like my writing please check out my book Moth-Like. It can be bought on Amazon here.
Today’s Shadow of May – and it’s not late! Surprise! The question asked was: How can I learn from my mistakes?
‘A Short Story, by Me’
It’s beautiful outside, I’m sure,
But even knowing this I want to deny
My existence towards the world in a childish,
Petty anger. I’m angry – yes, of course,
Truly! Towards myself most of all,
Sure, but I want others to feel it,
I’ll hide in my room every hour instead,
Refusing noise and people by rage reading
Every book I previously stacked in awkward areas
About my room in all the nooks, crannies, and corners.
Pointless, it’s pointless – everything! but the words.
It’s beautiful outside, I know, but I made
Some little, shameful mistake, and yes, I know
That the best thing to do would be to leave
And leave my childishness on the shelf.
Look at this! Not late! Crazy right? I don’t know how it happened but I got it out on time – impressive since I worked all day today and didn’t get home until 10pm! Today’s Shadow of May question asked: What provokes me to anger? Why?. A very loaded question – I try not to get angry often, but when I do I am a thing possessed. Today’s piece took an interesting turn…
‘All My Worthless Anger’
I’ve been angry the day I found out
My dreams had been sold to me taxed twice
At inflated prices and interest drawn high-
Pay while you’re young enough to take a loan
And you’ll pay the price every hour you live.
I’ve been pointlessly angry at the future,
Unable to commit myself to anything, because
Because, I believe I was sold a future that failed-
I bought it under the promise, the idea, the dream
That it would get better in time, things would be fixed,
Things could be fixed.. Band-aids on the bullet holes
This terrible world is being riddled with day after day.
My worthless anger is half anxiety and half grief,
Stirred twice, poured out, mixed again and again
Until it’s more inedible than it was to begin with.
How dare I ever think I could afford to dream?
I am to blame, they taught me at fifteen, I should’ve
Know to invest in something less real and more obscene.
What is decent living, a decent life lived at minimum wage-
The world, where I stand, no longer carries such futile things.
I did this Shadow of May on time – I just couldn’t get anything I wrote to flow right. I still think it’s too awkward and not quite clear – which is driving me crazy. The question was: How does others’ pain affect me? My answer was a complicated one. I want to help – but I get hostile at their pains source. I don’t think that’s clearly established in this piece. It needs a lot of work.
I am vindictive with my all that I love,
There is no puppy-sickness to speak of.
I am quiet, the people I can for are few,
To say I am heartless is both true and untrue.
I care for the pain of humanity as a whole-
And I care for those few I love deeply in my soul.
I want to help, to a certain extent, all that is hurt,
Excluding, of course, all those that caused such hurt.
You see, I am vindictive with all that I love,
Because I hate equally for all that consists of-
Other’s pain hurts me when it’s never what they deserve,
I can’t care for all that the silent majority tries to preserve.
Today’s Shadow of May question was: Where do I gain my confidence? I pulled a surprising answer considering my answers about loneliness – but it isn’t wrong. I’m just weird.
Tell me, share me,
And let me share in turn.
I will become confident
In anyone’s care, if they care
Just enough to tell me
If we’re friends.
Sorry this is so late! The last two days I’ve been working 15 hour shifts, which means when I got home I barely had the energy to draw any cards, let alone write.
Today there should be three pieces from me, though I may only get two done if I’m being honest with myself.. On the bright side, because of how much I worked the previous two days I got to have today and tomorrow off. Most of today was spent catching up on sleep..
Anyway, today’s Shadow of May questions were: What am I thinking and feeling? How is my environment?
Run away, I want to run away.
Just run away from all the little mistakes
I’ve made, like becoming a person people
All mistake me to be – so happy, so joyous.
The person I have built them to expect of me
I want it gone. I want to be free, to exist as a child,
With raw potential and hope, without anxiety –
The social expectations and implications.
It’s good to get out of your comfort zone
True, and that’s my problem, I’m here,
Static on the radio, no movement, no music.
Sometimes it’s best to leave, for sanity’s sake.
Burn your bridges when you get to them,
Set fire to your hope and dreams-
Only to pray a phoenix is born from the ashes
Singing praise for the things you left behind to grow.
I am blessed with some sort of luck.
I’ve just enough luck to pay basic bills
And feed myself five out of seven days.
It’s the little bits of mental chaos that eat at me
That consume me, the “What Should I Be’s”
The forced stability from people who were never
Young, futureless and forced to live a promised lie
About the age you were going to be happy with hard work.
Yesterday’s Shadow of May question was ‘What does Self Love mean to me?’ And it’s late because I was practicing self-love – that is to say I got off work and then spent the entire night talking and playing video games with my sister. I went to bed at 6am. It was great.
This poem though – not so great, but then again my shadow work poetry generally isn’t.
It’s a sweet and sour balance,
Affection caught briefly between
My bitter, salty and cut lips.
“Love yourself” they whisper,
Drink water with some of that rum.
I could rip myself to pieces over and over
Every day of the week, but I leave at least one-
And on that single one I believe
In small insignificant acts of self-love.
To eat or not. To sleep or not.
I decide in finality what I need,
And nobody needs me today.
Or. No. I need nobody today.
Self-love, my love, I know-
I know when to stop and be selfish,
It’s a sweet and sour balance,
Balanced between two broken lips.
The school semester is almost over and work has been a little crazy, but I still managed to get today’s piece done! Today’s Shadow of May questions were: How do I treat others? How do I treat myself?
‘They Told Me’
Home is where the heart is
They will tell you
But what if I don’t want to go
To where my heart lies.
Why can’t home be where I’m safe,
Not a place where I’m afraid to open
The front door, a place I haunted-
Another heart, sky, and world.
Why can’t home be
The simple thought of existing
Home is where there are people,
They will tell you,
Who love you, sometimes.
But sometimes I cannot bare to look
Anyone in the eye, not after all those nights
I spent intolerably alone,
But I still offer little hellos
To strangers because I remember being
Strange, alone, mistaken, and abused, once.
It’s not the best thing I can do,
But sometimes the only thing I can do
Are little tiny words.
So today’s Shadow of May question was “How do you express Love?”
And here is how:
Do you hear that false heart beat?
It’s mine, it’s all mine, and it hurts
To hurt them all so much. I lie. I lied.
I wanted them to love so much more than me
I wanted them to love what I could eventually be.
I express my love in forced stability,
The sterility of a false heart that beats
Silently, so perfectly – you could say it doesn’t
Ever truly beat at all. And I loved so faultlessly
False they bought it all, they fell before I could fall.
Harmoniously. I wanted every single Love I loved
To be harmonious, the sound of two hearts together
Seamlessly – I wanted instant seamlessness and I…
My Mother told me to fake it until I make it, and I…
It’s mine, only mine, that false and skipping heartbeat.
So I should probably put a disclaimer on how lame the next few poems are gonna be, because this month I’m doing the tarot challenge Shadow of May – a tarot based shadow work challenge. Shadow working is generally an exploring of feelings and habits you’d rather avoid/are a bit personally loaded. I’m not including any cards or any in depth journaling, but I will be posting the question and the resulting poem based off each days respective reading.
So disclaimer: The next month will be featuring really whinny, badly written poems. Today’s question was ‘How do you feel about the idea of Love?’
‘Endless My Love’
Gentle sigh, gentle sigh,
Gentle all the little suicides
As I’ve been waiting twenty-something years
For a storm, for a wave, for anything –
Anything real that I can touch and feel.
What is Love? What is Love to Me?
Endless patience, endless waiting, endless nothing-
Nothingness while I’m stranded in a boat on the sea.
I don’t need help, but all I need is so much help
As it’s only me – only me out on this still glass sea.
But I won’t ask, I won’t beg,
I won’t row toward humanity.
I see nothing but the sea and me, endlessly.
Though there’s nothing here, still I wait-
A gentle sigh, all the gentle little suicides
Are all I have in this great nothing of a sea.