Shadow of May – Day Thirty-One – ‘Circumspection’

So with this Shadow of May is finished, though a day late. I haven’t found anything for June in either poetry challenges or tarot challenges, so I might take the month off as I’ve got to finish up my sister’s book and begin learning Blender to help a friend out on a game she’s developing. If I do take off I will most likely be back in July – I don’t want to leave this place dead for too long. Plus. I like writing semi-daily, it’s become a nice, relaxing habit I’ve developed for after I get off work. Anyway, enough with all the babble. The last prompt for Shadow of May was: What do I need to explore?

 

‘Circumspection’

My life is all about the cost
Of living, living modestly, and working well
For long hours. I leave the living in the little bit
Left over between one work day and the next.
I’m methodical an I’ve no reason to rebel,
I swear, It’s one of those painful sort of comforts-
I got a job and I pay the right price everyday
To keep it, and most days, most days
I only get off feeling sort of dead for it all.
It’d be perfect, if only my heart wasn’t nostalgic
For a place I’d never been but in my dreams,
Of the day and night variety, a dream where I live
And work happily, without conflict and worry
How I’ll balance my bills and what I want to be.

Shadow of May – Day Twenty-Two – ‘When I Hate’

Yesterdays Shadow of May is a just bit late, but that’s okay! In theory I’ll get today’s out in time.. Maybe. The question asked was: What is the root of my hatred?

‘When I Hate’

I root my hate in the throats
Of people with abundance and health,
But who don’t know what it means to work
For happiness hopelessly empty handed.

Shadow of May – Day Twenty – ‘All My Worthless Anger’

Look at this! Not late! Crazy right? I don’t know how it happened but I got it out on time – impressive since I worked all day today and didn’t get home until 10pm! Today’s Shadow of May question asked: What provokes me to anger? Why?. A very loaded question – I try not to get angry often, but when I do I am a thing possessed. Today’s piece took an interesting turn…

‘All My Worthless Anger’

I’ve been angry the day I found out
My dreams had been sold to me taxed twice
At inflated prices and interest drawn high-
Pay while you’re young enough to take a loan
And you’ll pay the price every hour you live.

I’ve been pointlessly angry at the future,
Unable to commit myself to anything, because
Because, I believe I was sold a future that failed-
I bought it under the promise, the idea, the dream
That it would get better in time, things would be fixed,
Things could be fixed.. Band-aids on the bullet holes
This terrible world is being riddled with day after day.

My worthless anger is half anxiety and half grief,
Stirred twice, poured out, mixed again and again
Until it’s more inedible than it was to begin with.
How dare I ever think I could afford to dream?
I am to blame, they taught me at fifteen, I should’ve
Know to invest in something less real and more obscene.
What is decent living, a decent life lived at minimum wage-
The world, where I stand, no longer carries such futile things.

Shadow of May – Day Sixteen – ‘Heartless’

I did this Shadow of May on time – I just couldn’t get anything I wrote to flow right. I still think it’s too awkward and not quite clear – which is driving me crazy. The question was: How does others’ pain affect me? My answer was a complicated one. I want to help – but I get hostile at their pains source. I don’t think that’s clearly established in this piece. It needs a lot of work.

‘Heartless’

I am vindictive with my all that I love,
There is no puppy-sickness to speak of.
I am quiet, the people I can for are few,
To say I am heartless is both true and untrue.

I care for the pain of humanity as a whole-
And I care for those few I love deeply in my soul.
I want to help, to a certain extent, all that is hurt,
Excluding, of course, all those that caused such hurt.

You see, I am vindictive with all that I love,
Because I hate equally for all that consists of-
Other’s pain hurts me when it’s never what they deserve,
I can’t care for all that the silent majority tries to preserve.

Shadow of May – Day Eight – ‘Living Alone’

Finally caught up! Here is today’s Shadow of May! Oddly enough, all the cards I drew were extremely positive in light of the question (and four of five were Major Arcana…): What can solitude help me with?

‘Living Alone’

She’s asked often if she’s married,
Whom, they wonder, could be so blessed
To have such hard-working wife,
They are so offended when there is
No one to worship the person they praise.
But, what if – she worshiped herself?
In solitude, accepting things society doesn’t
Healing wounds no hands could reach.

He is told marriage is a stability
Anyone can afford – who wouldn’t wish
To come home to love and acceptance?
He does – he finds it by himself, most often,
Within himself and that’s okay, he thinks.
But sometimes it’s hard not to wonder
If, maybe, in a voice like someone else’s, it’s not.
But in solitude he can accept all his wrongs.

Solitude does not mean loneliness,
At some point, we all need to face ourselves
Without anyone else intervening. Accept ourselves,
Accept the shadows, the demons, the thoughts
Better left unsaid except when alone and facing
The mirror, knowing how to face failure
And being able love yourself for it all, regardless.
Some people can do it everyday. Some can’t. It’s okay.

Shadow of May – Day Six – ‘Terribly Lucky”

Sorry this is so late! The last two days I’ve been working 15 hour shifts, which means when I got home I barely had the energy to draw any cards, let alone write.
Today there should be three pieces from me, though I may only get two done if I’m being honest with myself.. On the bright side, because of how much I worked the previous two days I got to have today and tomorrow off. Most of today was spent catching up on sleep..

Anyway, today’s Shadow of May questions were: What am I thinking and feeling? How is my environment?

‘Terribly Lucky’

Run away, I want to run away.
Just run away from all the little mistakes
I’ve made, like becoming a person people
All mistake me to be – so happy, so joyous.
The person I have built them to expect of me
I want it gone. I want to be free, to exist as a child,
With raw potential and hope, without anxiety –
The social expectations and implications.

It’s good to get out of your comfort zone
True, and that’s my problem, I’m here,
Static on the radio, no movement, no music.
Sometimes it’s best to leave, for sanity’s sake.
Burn your bridges when you get to them,
Set fire to your hope and dreams-
Only to pray a phoenix is born from the ashes
Singing praise for the things you left behind to grow.

I am blessed with some sort of luck.
I’ve just enough luck to pay basic bills
And feed myself five out of seven days.
It’s the little bits of mental chaos that eat at me
That consume me, the “What Should I Be’s”
The forced stability from people who were never
Young, futureless and forced to live a promised lie
About the age you were going to be happy with hard work.

Shadow of May – Day Five – ‘For the Better’

We’re on time today! (Mainly because it’s my day off work and I got extra sleep – that’s certainly helping). Anyway, today’s Shadow of May question: How am I doing right now?

‘For the Better’

It could be worse-
I am tripping over my own feet
Trying to meet the ideals made
For someone kind of like me.

I should be more than I am.
I’ve had more than enough time
To do so, it’s true, maybe…
But I could be so much worse.

Will I ever mange to accept that-
I am driven mad with the thoughts
Of how much I am waiting and wasting,
Not realizing that I am moving by living.

And isn’t that how it is for everyone?
Told when to grow up, get a job, have kids,
Half even are told of their expiration date…
Maybe, it’s time to tell ourselves some things.

NaPoWriMo – Day Twenty-One – ‘Spending Time’

Sorry for being late – My day off work was spent at work. Tomorrow I will probably be late as well as I’m scheduled for around 17 hours. Long day tomorrow… Anyway, today’s prompt was to incorporate overhead speech into a poem! Here you all go!
‘Spending Time’

I heard a woman singing today
“I don’t wanna give you all my time”
While we worked, worked long hours.
How powerful she was for singing those words
In a day and age, in a time and place,
Where all our time is money, pure money
Instead of a simple way to measure our life.

“I don’t wanna give you all my time”
When was the last time I spoke, not thought
To myself quietly that my time is mine.
When was the last time any of us was allowed
To demand our time, for blessed solitude or not –
I do not even remember when I last spent
My time, my very own life, on me without worrying
The money I was wasting not working or performing.
If only, if only I got to consume my own life
As strongly as she dared sing for her’s.

NaPoWriMo – Day Twenty – ‘Tired Rest’

Definitely not my best – I tried to the prompt for today, but that was even worse. So, without further ado:

‘Tired Rest’

I’m tired and I don’t know why
Except I do, and I bet you know too-
It’s been a long day, twenty-four hours,
Sixteen of which require me to be awake.
Thirty minutes to shower,
Thirty minutes for breakfast,
Thirty minutes to get to work.
Four hours, hour break, four more hours,
Anther break, this time thirty minutes,
Two and a half hours of work again.
I blink and it’s been thirteen and a half hours.

I get paid for eight, due to laws.
The pay is decent, also due to laws.
My boss tells me to work less, schedules me more
I work six days straight, make a nice paycheck
And spend my day off asleep, trying to rest.

I suppose I could spend my checks,
After they remove the taxes first…
Taxes for the roads, the school, the president
And his three million dollar weekend,
(A needed break, we’re sure, so sure)
On self-care, self-help, or self-success,
Except I’m too tired by the end of the day.

But I still have two and a half hours
Out of the sixteen that are required of me-
Or, well, I did but I spent them trying
To find out why I have been so tired.
Now that the times up, I must go to bed-
Another long day waits as I take time to rest.

NaPoWriMo – Day Six – “America Working”

Today’s prompt was to try out a perspective poem! I’ve never done one before, so it was a little difficult and I think it’s still a little to one-sided.
Onwards anyway!

“America Working”

1)
I work because I want to.
I work because I am told to.
I eat because I am told to.
I eat because I want to.
How things have changed.

2)
“Don’t work too hard”
Has slowly replaced
“Have a good day at work”

3)
The middle-aged soccer mom agrees.
The young waitress needs to toughen
Up a little more – Crying is not the way
To respond to being screamed at
For giving her a Pepsi instead of a Coke.

4)
Once, we were all dreaming
That Big American Dream,
And then the alarm went off,
We got up, got dressed, and went to
The rest of the nightmare.

5)
Sometimes dreams come true.
Be good. Go to school. Get lucky
And end up making enough for rent,
Debt bills, and sometimes food.
Six days a week, Twelve hour weekends,
I dreamed I’d have a job and it’s true.