NaNoWriMo – Purple My Spaded Heart

Today’s NaNo went really well! I managed 1,710 words today – most of which was spent on the epic poem. I ended up writing 3 separate stand alone poems and figured this was the best of the lot. I’ve been going through old fragments I wrote down back in August to jump off of. I didn’t realize how many little pieces I’ve accumulated. I’m pretty sure I have enough to write with for the entire month. To give my hands a break I’ve also began drawing possible covers for the next collection I’m going to publish. Included above is the rough design for Roses. It’s a Cecile Brunner, a very beautiful climbing rose that the first section will be named after.

As for the explanation behind the poem for today. Last week was Asexuality awareness week, and a while back I began to make an odd list of things I’ve been called when people tried to explain asexuality away or allude to the fact that I’m a bit more queer than they’d like. I also had fun and made one or two of my own. It reminds my of the code words the media use to use when trying to avoid saying a character is gay. It can get a little ridiculous.

 

‘Purple My Spaded Heart’

We can’t just say things straight
So let me tell you what they say
About all the regrettable people like me:

I’m someone who’s forever uncertain,
Sleeps and dreams alone, every night
In my own bed, never adventurous enough
To test the covers of another’s.

I’m cold, though kind, and a distant look
Is always somewhere in my mind,
So queer, because they could swear I dream
But never of what the future must bring.

And I like neither the sunrise or the sunset,
Not a rose and chocolate person, no candles
On the dinner table, only one cup instead of two
For my morning coffee and tea with its minimal sugar.

There’s no roses in my rose garden,
No secret nooks to hide away into and love more
Naturally. It’s a shame, an unfortunate shame-
A pretty face, a handsome body, all willfully wasted.

I’ve got a purple spaded heart,
And I take no company. It’s lonely.
It must be. I know. I’ve been told so,
But maybe I just haven’t found the one.

If  you like my writing please check out my book Moth-Like. It can be bought on Amazon here.

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October Update

Not sure if I can call this an October Update when I’m posting it on the last day of October, but I’m going to anyway.

Unfortunately, This month’s plan to post everyday went out the window. As I switched jobs my schedule ended up a little more chaotic than anticipated. This is the first week that I’ve been given a schedule my boss thinks my be my official one – I’m going to be the opener. Downside, I’ve got to wake up at 4am for work, but on the bright side I have the ability to have a social life which is not something I had much of at the old job because of conflicting hours with my friends. I’m still getting use to a new sleep schedule, and so I’m more tired than anything – but that’s beside the point.

Starting tomorrow is NaNoWriMo – National Novel Writing Month. I’m not going to be writing a novel so much as another collection of poems, or two. I hope to finish an Epic I started as a Divine Poetry challenge back in 2015. Three of the six parts are finished, although they need editing, and two of those three are posted here. I might be redefining what makes a ‘part’ of the epic or adding extra parts – the challenge originally called for only six. I won’t be posting the epic here though! Even if I get it all written I don’t want it out and about without editing, plus I plan to make it very long. Right now the three parts are at a word count of almost two thousand. Moth-Like. came to a word count of 9,399 overall without the afterword. I plan for Destiny to be a novel length poem. I also have had on the back burner another novel length poem called Astera that’s been sitting at 1,500 for the last five years… and that’s just the tip of it, the introduction, you could say. But I won’t be looking at Astera for another year or two, sadly.

This coming month I will be posting though! I’m going to be doing three different writing sessions a day – but posting only one. I’ll be working on the epic (if it can be called that), Destiny, as well as writing two stand alone poems of which I’ll choose to post one. It seems like a lot, but I have a lot of fragments for writing laying around and work has finally calmed down some. Plus, late March 2018 I’m moving across country and I want to publish one more book by then. I’ve three different possible book themes drawn up and I need to start making them more solid so that’s part of my NaNo.

I look forward to seeing all of you again and the things I will create! I hope you enjoy the coming month!

Word of the Day – Diminution – ‘Slipping Away’

Good evening/morning! Today’s word of the day is diminutionthe act, process, or an instance of becoming gradually less (as in size or importance). I’ve been writing on and off these last few days, but haven’t gotten anything worth sharing really. I realize it’s been a few days since I’ve posted so I’m going to go ahead and post this. I feel some parts aren’t as polished and clear as I’d like.

 

‘Slipping Away’

I’m getting that feeling you get
When you begin slipping away
To a place that’s not real, to nonexistence.
I doubt anyone would notice my far off gaze
A smile covers up most things these days
That might seem worrisome in my eyes.

It’s a day, it’s just another day
And I can’t feel my hands or arms, yet
I know I’m gripping onto everything I can.
My hands are flexing and I have pressed my nails
Into my palms leaving all these little dents.
I’m loosing it, regardless, I’m losing it all again.

I’ve got scares like a lovers words
Casually whispered into my thighs and sides.
Gentle, I was never so gentle as to try to love
This body or mind of mine, and it’s begun fraying.
My whole world is fraying, slowly becoming undone,
Starting with these hands and arms – I feel nothing.

I doubt anyone would notice, this slow diminution,
Look away, look away, walk on by after you say ‘hey.’
I want to look strong when I am weak, broken by
This attempt to exist seamlessly. – Tell me, I’m feeling
Something, but, am I still here enough to see or feel?
Can you, Can anybody catch me when I slip away for good?

 

On a brighter note, Moth-Like. is officially published in both eBook and paper book form on amazon. If you want to look at it click here for the eBook, and here for the paperback. The eBook price is now set as $5.99, the physical price is $8.99. I’m pretty proud of the job I did with the typography! It took awhile to figure out, but I managed it. I was given a bit of trouble with the cover of the paperback and I might change it… for some reason covercreate on KDP is being frisky and won’t up the resolution on text.

Not So Quick Update, but an Update

Moth-Like Cover

 

First of all, I’m sorry. Things just got a little crazy this month. To make a long story short – I’ve gotta get ready to move across the country. Of course, not immediately, but sooner than I’d expect too. I’ve got roughly eight months to save up for the jump. That seems like a long time, but it’ll pass quickly. The problem naturally is money, because moving isn’t cheap. It cost me around $300 two years ago to move across town to where I am now – and that’s not counting the $2000 I put down for the new apartment.

So I’m saving money, or trying too. It’s tricky saving money with minimum wage, half the time I don’t have enough for food, but luckily my work provides me with free food on break. So it’s not completely terrible. I’m due for a raise, but it won’t be much, maybe not even a dollar. Regardless, I’m having some issues with my current living situation.

Though work is going well, well enough for me to be promoted at the very least, the company I work for has little prudence. To expand upon that, they are digging themselves a hole. Despite many of my workers and my comments about how certain practices are damaging sales and customer retention, our company refuses to change its practices. In the last year we’ve lost thousands of dollars because our branch boss is trying, ironically, to save money. It is only a matter of time before the University cancels our contract and we get laid off. I wish that wasn’t the case, but it really is – two other branches in our state have already lost contract for similar behaviors and our University just got a new President who has begun voicing some complaints. I live in a city, but employment is currently every hard to find. Even with seven years experience in a trained field I could not find work for months. I would rather not have that happen again.

So the kicker is I’m going to publish a few of my books much sooner than expected – I’ve always wanted to publish, so it’s not a complete surprise, but have been worried about my writing not being polished enough. As things are, I have nothing to lose in diving in early. It won’t make a lot, trust me, I know. But this move is important to me, and even if I make $2 that’s more in the savings account then I would’ve had without.

As of this minute, I am almost done with my first collection Moth-Like.. The cover of Moth-Like. is the picture above (or at least the idea for the cover, I haven’t gotten everything %100 set in stone just yet). Right now I’m formatting the eBook and getting the typography set. The manuscript is complete. All the poems and their order is set and ready, I’m just making it legible now. If you’ve been reading and following some of the poems I’ve posted these last… 3ish months a few of them will be appearing in Moth-Like.. Right now there are 62 poems in the collection, roughly half of those have appeared on social media, but not all of them here.

In fact, I never got around to transferring over the second year of Divine Poetry. I know there are some from the first year, but I don’t think they have any views? I posted them to appear in chronological order by their original post date, but that was before I had any followers – so if anyone wants to kill some time I’ve got about 20+ poems hidden in the archives.

Continuing on, Moth-Like. is the first of three collections. I have written 500+ poems since 2012, but my early poems need a lot of editing, and the next two collections draw heavily from those early poems because of their themes. As I would like my readers to have an enjoyable experience and not make them sit through years of cringe worthy work, I’m going to be taking a bit more time getting those out. I also plan to be writing and posting poems here which might slow me down some.

Hopefully, by the end of this month Moth-Like. will be on Amazon, for better or worse. It’s maybe going to be $6-8. I’d like to keep it cheap, but my favorite numbers are 4,6, 8 – so the kindle version is defiantly going to be $4 or less. Moth-Like. will be covering a lot of my more depressing and darker pieces, the quiet ones that is, as the collection is about healing from suicide and dealing with day to day depression. It will be broken into three sections: Cold Night, Lonely, and Bonfire. To give you guys an idea, “Bad Luck” and “Dreaming of Silence” will be in Cold Night. “Flaunting Trauma” and “Cold Lemonade” will be in Lonely. “The Artist I Know” and “What They Need” will be in Bonfire. The end of the collection, Bonfire, will be a slightly more uplifting section – so the entire thing won’t be a complete downer.

The second collection will be, oddly enough, love and romance themed – but not in the traditional sense, I suppose. “Falsely Beat“, “Sunsplit Busted Lip“, “All the Little Hurts“, and “Self-Love” will be in this collection. It is equally about the lack of romance and healthy forms of love as it is about development and finding of them. The title and sections are still to be decided, but I am leaning towards something flowery, like roses. It may be that each section is named by a genius of rose. That’s all I’ve got for now.

Thank you for reading all this. I hate that I promised to post only to back out and then drop all this out of no where. I’m excited, but also tired. I hope that this makes up for it, even if just a little. I want to give everyone something beautiful, though I admit, I have a strange sense of that word.