Daily Card Pull – The Wheel, reversed – ‘Bitter Bones’

So this was yesterdays card – I wrote it between jobs but didn’t post it because by the time I finished my final day at the night job I was feeling a little dead. The card I pulled was The Wheel of Fortune in reverse which is a card signifying bad luck and misfortune. Sure enough, it was a tough day despite little joys. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll get today’s and tomorrows out. For now I’d best head to sleep for I begin work at 5am.

 

‘Bitter Bones’

Today could’ve been a good day
Like no other, sprinkled with little blessings
Little joys found like leaving a job
I couldn’t stand anymore,
Being praised and seeing old friends,
Treating myself to coffee.

It all went so smooth, so well, yet
Lingering it all hurt. I woke up with the hurt,
A rotting somewhere around the knees and ankles.
The ache in my bones bluntly reminding me
Not all my days will be lived equally.
It was a sweet day with a bitter aftertaste.

I wanted to live it all fully, gleefully, but
All those simple little things were tainted by
My inability to focus, to busy trying to not fail
At everything I attempted, such as laughing
At a joke instead of wincing, and complaining
How today was a bit rougher than I wished.

 

 

 

If  you like my writing please check out my book Moth-Like. It can be bought on Amazon here.

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Daily Card Pull – 4 of Cups – ‘Tea Apathy’

It’s been a day. A very, very chaotic day – neither good nor bad, just.. busy. Today’s card of the day was the 4 of Cups, a card warning against apathy, disconnectedness, and contemplating too much on things – an accurate warning for me today.

 

‘Tea Apathy’

Busted knuckles match the pink and red
Flowers floating on the china of my cup-
A nice honeyed cup of lavender and Earl Grey
For when my days become a little too fucked up.

It’s a nice cup, solid but never stays hot enough.
I always forget it to the point of near cold, lukewarm,
With a bitter aftertaste because I left the leaves in to burn,
Again, I left the to burn while I lost myself in another brainstorm.

Look at this cup, arching handle to meet my hand,
Blushes of flowers, stems, and leaves – a life of peace.
I’m going to make it empty, look at me as I make it empty.
Heartbeat to heartbreak, swallowing to smothering.
Watch the time lapse between the tea cooling and souring and me
Sitting apathetic to what’s inside or out, far-eyed and wondering.

 

 

If  you like my writing please check out my book Moth-Like. It can be bought on Amazon here.

Daily Card Pull – The Devil – ‘Hungry Devil’

Today’s card pull was The Devil, a card symbolizing materialism, excess, being chained, but also playfulness. Today after closing at work my housemate and sister went to the store to pick up originally just band-aids (because I’m clumsy), yet I came home with more than just band-aids…

 

‘Hungry Devil’

Hungry Devil, such a hungry devil
I’ve come to be – every paycheck is spent
Twice a month prowling all of them, everywhere,
From the convenient Mom&Pops shoppes
To the super centers without windows.
I stalk between their aisles picking up this
And also that – setting most back
Half-haphazardly.
I’m determined to find
What newest flavor, newest treat
My mind and stomach so desire.
The more items I toss into the cart
The more my wallet lightens and cries, but
I, the Hungry Devil, am eyeing my next prize.

 

 

If  you like my writing please check out my book Moth-Like. It can be bought on Amazon here.

Daily Card Pull – 10 of Wands – ‘Keeping On’

Today’s card was the 10 of Wands, a card representing responsibility, accomplishment, and also burdens. Funny enough, I actually worked myself sick at my morning job and ended up missing my night job.

 

‘Keeping On’

I’ve got to keep on keeping on
In this long lasting, never ending summer heat.
I’m just trying to keep on keeping on
Determined to keep standing my own two feet.

I’ve got hours to go, work to do, more work to do,
Money to compete for, money to save, money to lose.
I’ve numb arms, numb hands, head fog, the blues-
It’s just another day and I’ve got to keep on,
Keep on going, going, going because I’ve got
Everything and nothing left to lose.
Sweet ambition and sweet addition-
I want to keep on keeping on doing
What they tell me I gotta do to succeed.

 

 

 

If  you like my writing please check out my book Moth-Like. It can be bought on Amazon here.

Shadow of May – Day Thirty-One – ‘Circumspection’

So with this Shadow of May is finished, though a day late. I haven’t found anything for June in either poetry challenges or tarot challenges, so I might take the month off as I’ve got to finish up my sister’s book and begin learning Blender to help a friend out on a game she’s developing. If I do take off I will most likely be back in July – I don’t want to leave this place dead for too long. Plus. I like writing semi-daily, it’s become a nice, relaxing habit I’ve developed for after I get off work. Anyway, enough with all the babble. The last prompt for Shadow of May was: What do I need to explore?

 

‘Circumspection’

My life is all about the cost
Of living, living modestly, and working well
For long hours. I leave the living in the little bit
Left over between one work day and the next.
I’m methodical an I’ve no reason to rebel,
I swear, It’s one of those painful sort of comforts-
I got a job and I pay the right price everyday
To keep it, and most days, most days
I only get off feeling sort of dead for it all.
It’d be perfect, if only my heart wasn’t nostalgic
For a place I’d never been but in my dreams,
Of the day and night variety, a dream where I live
And work happily, without conflict and worry
How I’ll balance my bills and what I want to be.

Shadow of May – Day Thirty – ‘Ankyloglossia’

I didn’t want to be late, but whoops. Here’s day thirty of Shadow of May. The question asked was: How do I listen? How do I speak?

 

‘Anakyloglossia’

I learned when young not to listen
To the other kids on the playground-
I was in second grade, aged just eight.
I was tongue-tied – I was born
With my tiny tongue fused to the bottom
Of my mouth, all my words were locked
On its tip, which I couldn’t lift.

They didn’t know, my parents,
The teachers, or classmates. I was slow
And special. They listened just enough
To know I wasn’t right in my words. I learned
I wasn’t right in my words,
And every day I felt betrayed by them
When they tumbled helplessly awkward
From my mouth. I had tried to explain myself
In all those uncertain and clumsy sounds
That I knew, but didn’t trust.
I became so aware of all the little sounds
I made and didn’t. Short tongued and short
Tempered, and ashamed I fought or ignored
Everyone who tried to laugh at or limit
Me.

Eventually,
They cut my tongue free.
Forced it upwards and disconnected me
From what I had become, but in the end,
Ultimately, I had already been taught I could only
Listen quietly to the people around me, and I
Seemed so wise in my silence, that by the time
I was a young adult I was asked often to give counsel,
To give my opinion, my secretly clumsy, distrustful Words,
And I, every time, feel deep anxiety blossoming,
Blooming under my tongue, waiting and fearing
I’d give it wrong.

Shadow of May – Day Twenty-Nine – ‘A Short Story, by Me’

Today’s Shadow of May – and it’s not late! Surprise! The question asked was: How can I learn from my mistakes?

‘A Short Story, by Me’

It’s beautiful outside, I’m sure,
But even knowing this I want to deny
My existence towards the world in a childish,
Petty anger. I’m angry – yes, of course,
Truly! Towards myself most of all,
Sure, but I want others to feel it,
The pointlessness.

I’ll hide in my room every hour instead,
Refusing noise and people by rage reading
Every book I previously stacked in awkward areas
About my room in all the nooks, crannies, and corners.
Pointless, it’s pointless – everything! but the words.
It’s beautiful outside, I know, but I made
Some little, shameful mistake, and yes, I know
That the best thing to do would be to leave
And leave my childishness on the shelf.

Shadow of May – Day Twenty-Seven – ‘Bad Luck’

Late, but not by much! I’m feeling slightly more alive than yesterday and so I’m taking this chance to catch up on the Shadow of May challenge. Yesterday, day twenty-seven, prompted: How do I feel about my accomplishments?

‘Bad Luck’

I don’t mean to brag, but
I’ve got hands on experience
With bad luck. I was born bad,
Unlucky, never ever stopped crying,
My mother swore to me, I never stopped
Until she put me down, shut the door, and
Turned off all the lights, the t.v, and the radio
In the house we never got to live long in.
I was a bad omen baby, she,
Bless her heart, she wouldn’t pick me up
Ever again.

It was my fortune, and I was
Bastardly fortunate, I guess, in some ways.
I learned to lose parts of myself quickly, and
Eventually put in the wounds left behind
More usable things, more unstable limbs.
A quick learner, my teachers would say.
I was such a quick learner, and maybe I was
At some time. I’ve got a few plaques with
My name on them shoved into my closet, behind
Some things I don’t remember ever owning.
Bad luck, I’ve got the experience, so
I think I know when I tell you how
It’s bad luck, to ever assume
I was.

Shadow of May – Day Twenty-Six – ‘Oh Night’

Okay, so I’m trying to power through these and get caught up. I’ve finished day Twenty-six of Shadow of May which asked: What is my direction in life? What is my purpose? Yesterday and today’s are just notes sitting on my desk right now – hopefully not for long.

 

‘Oh Night’

Tell me what it is I’m trying to be,
The Queen, the King, the Knight,
Oh, night! It’s time, allow me to wash
My hair tonight in that icy, icy sea.

Tell me the truth, tell me please,
How there are many kind and gentle things,
People, really, and though I don’t always
Consider myself one of them – often,

It’s every so often that some one looks
With eyes too soft at me, telling me –
Cruel. I don’t want to talk, and so I won’t.
I refuse to be anything but cruel to me.

I like the challenge, oh, it’s a challenge yes –
Let us go wash our hair in the sea, tell me,
Why shouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t I be anything
But cruel to me – I am driven to overcome.

Yes, I want to overcome the life I lived,
But couldn’t live. Is there not something
Beautiful, yes, and cruel, in wanting to be
Something else other than the me I’ve seen?

Shadow of May – Day Twenty-Five – ‘A Light Haunting’

Many apologies – I have been ill the past few days. Still going too, but at least I’m a little livelier than before. There’s probably going to be a number of mistakes and typos, but I can check those out later. The twenty-fifth Shadow of May question was: What three things do I most value?

‘A Light Haunting’

My house feels haunted, is haunted
By me. The soft whispering of my feet are
Still just as uncertain despite the two years
They’ve brushed against the concrete floors
That have supported my slippery shadow as I ghost
Between the front door, kitchen, bathroom,
My room – a path of half-existence taken daily.

Sometimes I see the sunlight drifting
Between the semi-closed blinds by the couch,
And sometimes there is food in the fridge
Waiting for when I remember that I’m alive again-
For no mater how tranquil I feel in my incompleteness
There is an existence outside of work, books, and sleep,
Which might require basic actions of me.

It’s a calm sort of crazy, sort of madness,
Haunting myself, that is, being there and yet gone.
For eighteen years I was trained to be quiet and light
On my toes, so much so that I learned to drift from room
To room. My mother began hanging up mirrors just
So she could catch me every now and then, but years later
I forgot how to stop and, I don’t know if I can – or want to.