NaNoWriMo – ‘Productivity’

A quick little piece today, nothing much really – just some vent words. I hope you all have a good week! I’m making progress with NaNoWriMo, but not as much as I’d like. The next two weeks are going to be really busy for me, so hopefully I don’t get too far behind.

 

‘Productivity’

A productive day,
Waking up at 2pm
To get nothing done.
I’m watching the sun
Slink away, minutes collecting
Into days, transforming into
A month, then season,
Then finally a year.
I’m watching it all pass,
I wanted to do Something,
But the tiredness lasts
Longer than the hours
Spent tossing in bed.
I get up at 2pm,
And do nothing.

 

If you like my writing please check out my book Moth-Like. It can be bought on Amazon here.

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NaNoWriMo – ‘Envy’

I wanted to write more today, but work was exhausting. Luckily, I’ve got a three day weekend – at the cost of a single day off next week. We’ve got to prepare for the holidays at work and next week is when things start to really pick up. I’m going to try and catch up with my writing over the next three days. I’m roughly 10,000 words behind – though 50,000 isn’t my true goal, it is a nice number to aim for.

Today’s poem is.. fun. Personally, it’s hard to recognize when I’m envious. I always just end up thinking I dislike a person and not figuring out why until much later. I’m glad I can catch it – because I know it’s not something essential to whomever I’m envious of, I don’t enjoy disliking people for no good reason.

 

‘Envy’

You’re everything I want to be-
I’m growing envy, green envy, thorns
On a rose bush of admiration warding me
Away. I’ve only to see you to feel nervousness,
Dark and meek, depression rooting in.
I’m lacking in everything I promised myself
When I dreamed of what I’d grow to be,
Yet haven’t, I haven’t even come close.

I’m a disappointment, I see it, you see it-
So talk all harsh and cruel to me, show me
What an endless disappointment I am
At all these attempts I make to play pretend.
I’m strong and helpless, looking shallowly
For anyone’s sweet attention to spend.
Hate me and let me know it,
Make me face the facts that I bend.

I’m tired, and you’re bored of it.
Envy, it’s envy that makes me this way
How subtly in control of everything you know
You want and accept you want, while I juggle
These groundless and inconsistent feelings.
You’re better for your ability to admit and own up
To the thing that is my shameless, secret sin-
My indecent willingness to play pretend.

 

 

If you like my writing please check out my book Moth-Like. It can be bought on Amazon here;.

NaNoWriMo – ‘Two Steps Backwards’

I’m so sorry, I skipped another day. I’ve been getting migraines off and on these last few months and it’s been very exhausting. Today’s wasn’t so bad, and after work and a quick nap I was able to write quite a bit. I’m still very behind on my word count, but at this point I don’t mind. I just want to finish all the fragments of poems I’ve got sitting around before it’s 2018.
Anyway, onward today’s poem. I know I said I was going to try to pull out some more upbeat stuff, but well, that’s easier said than done. I hope you all enjoy this one regardless!

 

‘Two Steps Backwards’

I know all too well who I am,
What I look like, how I dress,
My favorite foods, my limitlessness-
That I’ve limited in the name of names.

I’ve got it all down to a schedule,
A time and place I’ve got to be
To be me – what I need to do to meet
My quota to be self-knowing.

Shy, Angry, and fundamentally Organized –
I am driven to not look people in the eyes
Not even myself in the bathroom mirror-
Let the steam fog up so I don’t have to see.

Discordant. Disturbed. Dissociated.
I need to put it in place, any place
Inside of me where it can’t be seen.
I know all too well who I am.

I know also who and what I want to be,
And in the act of self-care I decided
To ignore self-love and chose instead to love
The limited limitlessness I’ve created for me.

 

If you like my writing please check out my book Moth-Like. It can be bought on Amazon here;.

Daily Card Pull – The Wheel, reversed – ‘Bitter Bones’

So this was yesterdays card – I wrote it between jobs but didn’t post it because by the time I finished my final day at the night job I was feeling a little dead. The card I pulled was The Wheel of Fortune in reverse which is a card signifying bad luck and misfortune. Sure enough, it was a tough day despite little joys. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll get today’s and tomorrows out. For now I’d best head to sleep for I begin work at 5am.

 

‘Bitter Bones’

Today could’ve been a good day
Like no other, sprinkled with little blessings
Little joys found like leaving a job
I couldn’t stand anymore,
Being praised and seeing old friends,
Treating myself to coffee.

It all went so smooth, so well, yet
Lingering it all hurt. I woke up with the hurt,
A rotting somewhere around the knees and ankles.
The ache in my bones bluntly reminding me
Not all my days will be lived equally.
It was a sweet day with a bitter aftertaste.

I wanted to live it all fully, gleefully, but
All those simple little things were tainted by
My inability to focus, to busy trying to not fail
At everything I attempted, such as laughing
At a joke instead of wincing, and complaining
How today was a bit rougher than I wished.

 

 

 

If  you like my writing please check out my book Moth-Like. It can be bought on Amazon here.

Word of the Day – Depredate – ‘Noon Time Sun’

Today’s word of the day is depredate, a verb signifying to lay waste, plunder, or ravage. It’s been a very interesting and trying summer. I hope everyone else’s was much calmer and relaxing.

‘Noon Time Sun’

I know a woman who loves with spite-
Immoral all the decisions she does not make,
Hateful all the people she does not love.

She’s the noon time sun, and she’ll depredate
Everything left out under her eyes, her eyes which
Will blind you if you ever try to meet her head on.

It’s been a hellish summer like every other,
But this time it’s also something different, something
Inane that’s begun to drive me mad with regret.

I know a woman who takes no criticism,
But agrees she can be petty after she slams
All the doors leading in and within our little apartment.

Everything bakes beneath her flares of rage – it’s petty,
Yes. she knows it’s petty, all those rages from the cup on the counter
Left out by herself, but she forgot so it’s mine, always mine, again.

 

If  you like my writing please check out my book Moth-Like. It can be bought on Amazon here.

Word of the Day – Splenetic – ‘Tuck Me In’

Classes have started back up so work is a little crazy. We got an unexpected 1,300 students for dinner alone these last three days and lets just say the cafeteria’s stock of food is running a bit low.

Today’s Word of the Day is Splenetic, as in something marked by a bad temper, malevolence, or spite.

 

‘Tuck Me In’

Tuck me in bed with all these
Ill formed thoughts and invisible diseases.
My heart can’t take it, I can’t
Take it – It strains me, I am tense,
A kettle steaming and pushing out huffs
Before it begins to scream.

I don’t look sick enough to act this sick,
Though you can hear my legs creak like rusty
Door hinges, a high pitched rumble and screech
Where there’s simply not enough love, apparently,
To oil them into an easy, active life.
If drink a bit more water I’ll be well.

It’s cute, I’m cute, I’ve been told
How my body breaking down under me
Is something for them to protect me from, yet
Their self-projected empathy finds it inconvenient
When they want to go out to play and my body,
My mind can’t go out and play with them.

I’m a broken playground swing, and it’s precious
The memories people imagine and re-imagine of me,
Years ago before it all started to go to hell.
I’m a child indefinitely, except when they want me to be
Something more wholesome and together and.. less sick.
So let’s tuck me in bed, again, and tell me to get well.

 

If you’re bored and like my writing try checking out my book Moth-Like. It can be bought on Amazon here for $8.99.

Word of the Day – Plausible – ‘Late Nights’

Sorry it’s been such a long time since I posted anything. Life recently has been hectic. Between a housemate going AWOL and my great grandma passing away everything has been a little difficult. I’m going to queue up a handful of pieces tonight.
Today’s was an old word of the day I never got around to posting. Plausible is an adjective which describes something that is appearing worthy of belief or superficially fair, reasonable, or valuable but often specious. 

‘Late Nights’

It’s all these late nights.
I can’t sleep, it’s a problem.
Dizzy exhaustion, can I drown myself
In words- a book filled with a world
I cannot dream.

It’s plausible that I have a problem,
Something to do with the lack of ability
To sleep or stay asleep, my eyes can close
But cannot find the place where dreams go.
My eyes burn.

How long can I go without sleep?
All these late nights are slowing me down.
I don’t know what I’m seeing or reading,
An entire world goes on around me, but
I cannot see it.

If you’re bored and like my writing try checking out my book Moth-Like.. It can be bought on Amazon here for $8.99.

Word of the Day – Diminution – ‘Slipping Away’

Good evening/morning! Today’s word of the day is diminutionthe act, process, or an instance of becoming gradually less (as in size or importance). I’ve been writing on and off these last few days, but haven’t gotten anything worth sharing really. I realize it’s been a few days since I’ve posted so I’m going to go ahead and post this. I feel some parts aren’t as polished and clear as I’d like.

 

‘Slipping Away’

I’m getting that feeling you get
When you begin slipping away
To a place that’s not real, to nonexistence.
I doubt anyone would notice my far off gaze
A smile covers up most things these days
That might seem worrisome in my eyes.

It’s a day, it’s just another day
And I can’t feel my hands or arms, yet
I know I’m gripping onto everything I can.
My hands are flexing and I have pressed my nails
Into my palms leaving all these little dents.
I’m loosing it, regardless, I’m losing it all again.

I’ve got scares like a lovers words
Casually whispered into my thighs and sides.
Gentle, I was never so gentle as to try to love
This body or mind of mine, and it’s begun fraying.
My whole world is fraying, slowly becoming undone,
Starting with these hands and arms – I feel nothing.

I doubt anyone would notice, this slow diminution,
Look away, look away, walk on by after you say ‘hey.’
I want to look strong when I am weak, broken by
This attempt to exist seamlessly. – Tell me, I’m feeling
Something, but, am I still here enough to see or feel?
Can you, Can anybody catch me when I slip away for good?

 

On a brighter note, Moth-Like. is officially published in both eBook and paper book form on amazon. If you want to look at it click here for the eBook, and here for the paperback. The eBook price is now set as $5.99, the physical price is $8.99. I’m pretty proud of the job I did with the typography! It took awhile to figure out, but I managed it. I was given a bit of trouble with the cover of the paperback and I might change it… for some reason covercreate on KDP is being frisky and won’t up the resolution on text.

Word of the Day – Fester – ‘For Your Consideration’

So today’s word of the day is fester, to undergo or exist in a state of progressive deterioration or putrefy/ rot. I had a little fun with this – mainly because for me it’s in the very early morning hours, and I’m still awake though I have work later today. I’m just sleepless, so I’ve taken the opportunity to type up and edit some pieces that I’ve had lying around.

 

‘For Your Consideration’

Consider this: I’m tired.
Don’t worry, I’m always tired-
Which doesn’t leave much for you to consider,
So consider this: I’m tired and for a good reason.

It’s not the lazy sort of tired,
The ‘I have energy to live and work,
But I’d rather play video games today’ sort
Or the ‘I drank cold brew coffee at 2 am again’ kind.

I’m tired and I don’t know what to do.
I haven’t done anything to be tired, really,
I swear, I woke up not an hour or two ago, yet
It seems to have been a very long few hours, I feel.

None of this new, no worries, truly,
I’ve gotten use to festering in a mild amount of despair,
Waking up every day tired. There’s nothing to really consider.
I just wanted to see if there was someone out there.

 

Oh! The ebook of Moth-Like. is officially on Amazon as of.. Wednesday? I think was when it was accepted. You can find it here. It did end up being a little more expensive than planed. It’s $6.48. Weird price (as in not rounded up or ending in .99), I just like all those numbers and it ended up being… a bit thicker in page numbers than expected. I was aiming for 60-80, it came out to a little over 100. In a week or two I’m planning on having the paperback up. It’s taking longer than expected because formatting is.. fun. Also, I have to order proofs to make sure it doesn’t come out janky. I’m probably going to be adding links to it at the end of my posts so that I promote it, but not in an obnoxious way. I don’t want people to be bombarded by it, so I’m putting it somewhere that’s easy to scroll past or ignore. I might make a post about it and any upcoming books and keep that in an about me area (which I haven’t done yet…. whoops), but that’s in the future.

Word of the Day – Parataxis – ‘Going Home’

To be honest, I didn’t know there was a word for this, and yet it’s one of my favorite things to do. Today’s word of the day is Parataxis, which is the placing of clauses or phrases one after another, without words to indicate coordination or subordination, as in “Tell me, how are you?”

‘Going Home’

It is time I go home
Where everything is tainted
With a yellow film of age,
With memories half forgotten,
With dreams half left to rot,
With a bitter taste of disappointment.

It is time I go home,
A home which was never quite home.
I was born in the hospital here
With a frail heart, frail mother,
Frail luck betting on a hopeful simplicity
That I was never warned to withhold
For the sake of keeping my dreams in place.

My home. I always make it home just in time
To watch another thing return to something
I never dreamed it had ever been. Empty,
Empty all the roads, empty the stores,
Empty the eyes of the people who don’t recognize
Me, a child who grew up here too with them.
Me, a child who grew up and chose to leave them.

So now I sit here, home again, I listen
As another unexpected storm sweeps in
After I spent the day with my grandparents
Driving around our little, yellow tainted town
Looking at for all the things that disappeared,
Watching as what takes their places begins to
Age, rot, slow down, rust with the passing
Of each second, day, month, year, person, dream.